A little over an hour ago, my cell phone rang. As usual, I check the front panel to see if it’s someone I know. It was just a long-distance number, but thinking it could be a client who needs after-hours tech support or some kind of emergency, I answer the call.

No one’s there. After several moments of silence, I get the clue. “Ahh, ok. It’s an automated calling service. Let’s see who it is this time.” Several more moments go by with absolute silence. Then I hear a recording of Professional Voice-Over Guy saying, “Please stay on the line for an important message from Comcast.” After that message, it switches over to the same rotating handful of commercials from a woman who sounded really happy to tell me about their “great new movies now available on Comcast On-Demand such as ‘Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story‘!”

I think, “I just paid my bill the other night… I haven’t had any outages… everything works… what the hell could they possibly want?!” I put the phone on speaker and set it on the desk next to my keyboard as I continue working. With phone volume down, music up and only half paying attention, I’m now in it just to see what this all-important message is; a message so important that they had to have a machine call me at home in the evening. This better be good.

“Please stay on the line for an important message from Comcast!”

Any minute now, some under-payed 20-something will ask me if I have a few minutes to complete a survey, inquire whether I’m satisfied with my level of service or more likely, if I would be interested in switching to one of their overpriced all-in-one bundle services. I’m steeling myself for their initial questioning, formulating mildly snarky answers, resolving to ask them as many questions as I possibly can thereby screwing up the telemarketer’s outbound call quotas for the evening.

“…such as ‘Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story‘!”

I look at my phone. 20 minutes has gone by! I think, “This must me something really important! But still, why did they call me knowing it would take this long for a human to get on the phone?” I have an unlimited minutes plan on my cell phone and it’s plugged into the charger, so no worries there. I have nowhere to be for another few hours, so let’s ride it out, shall we? By now, I reeeeally want to know what the hell they want.

I check the phone again. 27 minutes and counting. “Please stay on the line for an important message from Comcast!” Alright, already! I’m obviously staying on the line! What is it you people want from me?! This was about the time I started coming up with conspiracy theories. “They call customers and get gullible people like me to sit and listen to their advertisements. It’s a viral marketing ploy! I’ll bet they’re logging how long the average person stays on the phone. I’m probably adding to those statistics and giving some advertising guy ammo for his pie chart as to why this program works and they should do it more often.” Etc. etc. etc.

I was becoming a knotted bundle of anticipation. Finally, at 36 minutes and 18 seconds, I couldn’t handle it anymore. I reached over and clapped my cellphone shut, ending the call. Now I’ll never know what they wanted! Thanks a lot, Comcast, you damnable tease!