I found Jesus! He was in the fridge the whole time.

So, yeah. So the Pagan religion had very big festivals, remember, on Easter and Christmas. The Christian religion came along and had very big festivals, at Easter and Christmas. Jesus died on one and was born on the other. ( doubting sounds ) Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, “Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!” So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the… wood on the cross.

Well, you tell me! It’s got nothing to do with it, has it? You know, people going, “Remember, kids,” the kids who’re eating the chocolate eggs, “Jesus died for your sins.”

“Yeah, I know, it’s great!”

“No, no no, it’s bad, it’s bad!”

“No, it’s bad! It’s very bad. It’s terrible! Whatever you want, just keep giving me these eggs.”

And the bunny rabbits! Where do they come into the crucifixion? There were no bunny rabbits up on the hill going, “Hey, what, are you going to put those crosses in our warrens? We live below this hill, all right?” Bunny rabbits are for shagging, eggs are for fertility. It’s a festival – it’s the spring festival!
– Eddie Izzard

If you’ve been reading my blog for any length of time, you’ll know that I love to talk about the origins of holidays. It’s just “one of my things”, I guess. I’m big on the facts in general, whatever it is. So, since Easter is upon us, I thought I’d continue the trend by exploring how Easter really came to be and what it is now.

The name “Easter” originated with the names of an ancient Goddess and God. The Venerable Bede, (672-735 CE [AD].) a Christian scholar, first asserted in his book De Ratione Temporum that Easter was named after Eostre (a.k.a. Eastre). She was the Great Mother Goddess of the Saxon people in Northern Europe. Similarly, the “Teutonic dawn goddess of fertility [was] known variously as Ostare, Ostara, Ostern, Eostra, Eostre, Eostur, Eastra, Eastur, Austron and Ausos.” Her name was derived from the ancient word for spring: “eastre.”

Many, perhaps most, Pagan religions in the Mediterranean area had a major seasonal day of religious celebration at or following the Spring Equinox. Cybele, the Phrygian fertility goddess, had a fictional consort who was believed to have been born via a virgin birth. He was Attis, who was believed to have died and been resurrected each year during the period MAR-22 to MAR-25. “About 200 B.C. mystery cults began to appear in Rome just as they had earlier in Greece. Most notable was the Cybele cult centered on Vatican hill …Associated with the Cybele cult was that of her lover, Attis (the older Tammuz, Osiris, Dionysus, or Orpheus under a new name). He was a god of ever-reviving vegetation. Born of a virgin, he died and was reborn annually. The festival began as a day of blood on Black Friday and culminated after three days in a day of rejoicing over the resurrection.”

Wherever Christian worship of Jesus and Pagan worship of Attis were active in the same geographical area in ancient times, Christians “used to celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus on the same date; and pagans and Christians used to quarrel bitterly about which of their gods was the true prototype and which the imitation.”

Many religious historians believe that the death and resurrection legends were first associated with Attis, many centuries before the birth of Jesus. They were simply grafted onto stories of Jesus’ life in order to make Christian theology more acceptable to Pagans. Others suggest that many of the events in Jesus’ life that were recorded in the gospels were lifted from the life of Krishna, the second person of the Hindu Trinity. Ancient Christians had an alternate explanation; they claimed that Satan had created counterfeit deities in advance of the coming of Christ in order to confuse humanity. Modern-day Christians generally regard the Attis legend as being a Pagan myth of little value. They regard Jesus’ death and resurrection account as being true, and unrelated to the earlier tradition.

Wiccans and other modern-day Neopagans continue to celebrate the Spring Equinox as one of their 8 yearly Sabbats (holy days of celebration). Near the Mediterranean, this is a time of sprouting of the summer’s crop; farther north, it is the time for seeding. Their rituals at the Spring Equinox are related primarily to the fertility of the crops and to the balance of the day and night times. Where Wiccans can safely celebrate the Sabbat out of doors without threat of religious persecution, they often incorporate a bonfire into their rituals, jumping over the dying embers is believed to assure fertility of people and crops.

Source: Religious Tolerance.org

Ok, groovy… but what’s with the rabbit and those crazy-colored eggs, man?

The symbols of the Norse Goddess Ostara were the hare and the egg. Both represented fertility. From these, we have inherited the customs and symbols of the Easter egg and Easter rabbit. Dyed eggs also formed part of the rituals of the ancient, pre-Christian Babylonian mystery religions. Eggs “were sacred to many ancient civilizations and formed an integral part of religious ceremonies in Egypt and the Orient. Dyed eggs were hung in Egyptian temples, and the egg was regarded as the emblem of regenerative life proceeding from the mouth of the great Egyptian god.” This practice was later Christianized. Tradition states that when Mary Magdalene visited Emperor Tiberias (14 – 37 CE [AD]), she gave him a red egg as a symbol of the Resurrection — a symbol of new life. Some believe that the Christian tradition of giving eggs to each other at Easter time came from this event.

Gotcha. Easter Lilies?

“The so-called ‘Easter lily’ has long been revered by pagans of various lands as a holy symbol associated with the reproductive organs. It was considered a phallic symbol!”

Surely having to get up for Easter Sunday Service is an original Christian thing, right?

This custom can be traced back to the ancient Pagan custom of welcoming the sun God at the vernal equinox – when daytime is about to exceed the length of the nighttime. It was a time to “celebrate the return of life and reproduction to animal and plant life as well.” Worship of the Sun God at sunrise may be the religious ritual condemned by Jehovah as recorded in:

Ezekiel 8:16-18: “…behold, at the door of the temple of Jehovah, between the porch and the altar, were about five and twenty men, with their backs toward the temple of Jehovah, and their faces toward the east; and they were worshiping the sun toward the east. Then he said unto me, Hast thou seen (this), O son of man? Is it a light thing to the house of Judah that they commit the abominations which they commit here? for they have filled the land with violence, and have turned again to provoke me to anger: and, lo, they put the branch to their nose. Therefore will I also deal in wrath; mine eye shall not spare, neither will I have pity; and though they cry in mine ears with a loud voice, yet will I not hear them.” (ASV)

Guess not.

At any rate, now you know where Easter came from. So the next time you’re dying eggs, thank an ancient Babylonian. If you find yourself munching on a Cadbury Chocolate Egg brought by the Easter Bunny, thank a Norse Pagan. As far as the Jesus crucifixion / resurrection stuff goes, thank a Mediterranean from 200 BC. What can you thank a Christian for? I guess for telling you that you have to get up and go to church to sit and listen to a condensed version nicely sewn together into their own tidy little story.

Happy “Easter”!

I feel your pain, Tony. Well, I will...

Warning: Long post ahead! If you aren’t interested in or are opposed to somewhat graphic medical, procedural and/or surgical details as well as candid commentary on said details, please stop reading now. The following is an update about my current medical situation and the resulting surgery that will be performed to rectify it. That said, here we go.

Note: Certain words or phrases are linked to further information or images elsewhere on the web. Links will open in a new window/tab for your convenience.

As some of you may or may not know, I was recently diagnosed with a desmoid tumor and have gone to consult with three different surgeons about it; general, thoracic and plastics. Since these blog posts get posted on Facebook as Notes and several of you comment and ask questions there, I will attempt to answer them with this post. Feel free to comment or ask more questions if you read this on Facebook (which is most likely because no one reads my blog).

Here’s the Q & A version:

Q: So what the hell’s actually wrong with you anyway?
A: I have a desmoid tumor growing out of the muscles that make up my abs. The tumor is “connective tissue” which means it is basically made up of tendon or some kind of sinew. Some friends have speculated that it might be my twin brother that was absorbed into my abdomen in the womb and that it may have teeth and its own spine, but I doubt that very much (thank you, Kristine) since the biopsy showed it to be connective tissue. It is approximately 8cm. They’ve likened it to the size of a baseball, a lemon, a small potato, etc. Plus: it is benign / non-cancerous. Negs: Desmoids tend to come back again and again, often for the rest of a person’s life and often more aggressive. It has been suggested by one surgeon that I be scheduled for MRIs every 6 months or so for life.

Q: What kind of surgery is it exactly? What are they going to do?
A: The procedure is describe as thus: “Wide Resection of Upper Abdominal Wall – Desmoid Tumor, Reconstruction with Mesh, Omental Flap” which basically means they will open my chest up just slightly below where my sternum and ribs come together in the front (thoracic cage), cut out the lower part of my breast bone and several ribs with a bone saw, remove a hefty chunk or all of the rectus abdominis muscle (“abs” or “6 pack” muscles) at the top, then proceed to remove the tumor and everything around it within 4cm – 5cm. The tumor is roughly 8cm itself and they need a “wide resection” in every direction around it to make sure they get every little part of it and anything it was attached to or might have been starting to grow into. So far, this will include a large part of my diaphragm and possibly a smaller lobe of my liver.  This will leave me with a rather large hole in my chest where the abs would have been. The thoracic surgeon will then let the plastic surgeon take over. To illustrate exactly what this will be like, here’s a rough sketch the first surgeon hastily drew on that paper they put over examination tables: Click Here.

The plastic surgeon will reconstruct my diaphragm with Marlex mesh (he said, “think screen door or the kind over a window, except stronger and much smaller”) as well as patch the sizable hole in my abdominal wall. To do the latter, more mesh will be used, then the skin that was originally opened and pulled back will be sewn or stapled closed (possibly both), or, if they had to remove a large oval of skin altogether, some kind of membrane called Integra (INTEGRA® Dermal Regeneration Template) will be stapled in place and left to heal for a while before a new skin graft is grafted to it. The graft will be performed using skin from my upper thigh.

Q: What about the sternum and ribs they cut out? Can they put them back?
A: Glad you asked. They will be reconstructed with some kind of cement. It was explained to me like this: “This glue is so strong, you could get hit by a truck and the only thing to get hurt would be the truck.” I was good with that. Let’s just paint all my bones with it while you’re in there, shall we?

Q: Why would they take a whole huge oval chunk of flesh off instead of just flapping it open and closing it later? Is a skin graft really necessary?
A: There’s a possibility they will be able to just flap it open and close it up, but there are a few factors that may prevent this possibility. The first being how close the skin is to the tumor. When the thoracic surgeon said they would take everything within 4cm to 5cm in every direction, he meant everything. He said, “Your first shot is your best shot at getting it all out of there the first time” and I can’t argue with that. Second, even if the skin can be left untouched and attached, it may not last the full length of the surgery and may have to be removed anyway. The surgery is slated for 5 hours “-ish.”

Q: When is your surgery date and where will it be done?
A: Thursday, February 25th, 2010 at U of M Hospital in Ann Arbor, MI.

Q: Who will be doing the surgery?
A: Dr. Mark B. Orringer – Thoracic surgery / Dr. Riley S. Reese – Plastic surgery. I’ve been told that Dr. Orringer is literally one of the best thoracic surgeons in the world. One receptionist told me one woman came all the way from Australia to have him operate on her. That and all the awards/honors he’s garnered over the years puts me more at ease about it.

Q: How long will you be in recovery?
A: They said I wouldn’t be 100% for several months and likely not driving anywhere or lifting anything for at least a month or so, easy. I will likely have physical therapy. I’m currently stocking up on movies I haven’t seen yet and backlogging series I never got to follow for all that time I’ll spend on the couch.

Q: How much is it going to cost? Do you have insurance?
A: For all I know, it will cost somewhere between a buck fifty and one hundred bazillion dollars. And yes, I have medical insurance because without it, I would have had to sell my computer and cell phone by now and I wouldn’t have been able to write and post this.

Q: Are you scared?
A: I am utterly terrified and though I’m not afraid of dying on the table or anything like that, I do know that my life is about to change in all sorts of ways. I mean, I will have a permanent indentation in my chest, even after the skin heals over (think Iron Man’s Tony Stark without the shiny Arc Reactor thing and way less cool). I will have some gnarly scars to tote around. I will likely scare little children at the beach. There’s also the possibility (actually, likelihood) of more tumors and surgeries in the future, some of which may not be as deeply seated as this one. Desmoids are often found growing just under the flesh which often looks like a massive goiter-type growth. That’s usually when they take it out skin-and-all as I mentioned earlier. But, this is something I’ll have to learn to live with so I might as well start now with posts like this, eh? Also, I’m allergic to pain and if all this doesn’t sound painful, I don’t know what does (except, of course, child birth. There, I said it. Happy, women?)

Also, when Dr. Orringer was explaining how the surgery would go and what to expect, he used phrases like “it will look like a cannonball hit you” and likened the process to cleaning out a pumpkin to use as a Jack-O-Lantern. Yes, really. Cut a large circle, remove it completely, and scoop out everything that isn’t supposed to be in there including a wide breadth around it in all directions. Yeah, just like that. Sure, 12cm-13cm total (8cm tumor + 4-5cm resection) doesn’t seem all that big, but you carve a 5 inch circle out of your chest and scoop everything out of the hole and tell me how it doesn’t seem all that big anymore.

Dr. Riley also had the same weird, sick sense of humor I do about it, but also fixed his eyes sternly on me at one moment and said, “Don’t get me wrong. This is major surgery.” I think I almost threw up right then.

Sometimes I think about what its going to be like not having a huge chunk of ab muscles. Will I be able to stand the same? Walk the same? Can I sit up from slouching on the couch all by myself? What’s getting out of bed going to be like? I should probably ask the physical therapists this, but as of this posting, I just don’t know yet and I have to wonder. Also, how will rebuilding my diaphragm with mesh affect my breathing? Is my career as an opera singer over prematurely? How many more of these damned tumors am I going to have to endure? You know, things like that.

I hope I’ve answered all the questions I’ve been posed in earlier comments and status updates as well as some you hadn’t asked yet. Again, if there’s anything else you’d like to know, feel free to ask.

Thanks for reading!
-Derek and the Manbaby

Source: WrongCards.com

Back story:

I went into the hospital on Sept. 22nd with kidney pains and other urinary-type problems. I also had a fever of almost 102F, so they admitted me. While I was having blood taken, they decided to do a CAT scan to check out my kidneys. About an hour or so after the CAT scan, a resident came around and told me they found a “mass” roughly the size of a lemon or small potato just below my sternum about where my stomach is. Over the coming days, I had two ultrasounds and a biopsy. The ultrasound is when we started calling the “mass” Man Baby. It has been known as such ever since.

The mass, as I would later find out, was thought to be made up of “connective tissue” and resides between the layer of muscles over my stomach and chest and the sack that holds all my guts in. Tasty, no? That is good news, I am told, since growth or tumors in that area are rarely the kind that grow on organs and are generally benign.

Flash forward to today, Sept. 30th. I go to get my biopsy results and the doctor is rather impressed as she tells me what I have. I was impressed as well after she told me. Man Baby is actually a desmoid tumor.

What’s so interesting about a desmoid tumor? Well, a few things. For one, it is very, very rare. I heard I might be the first documented case at U of M. That may not be true, but it does speak of how rare Man Babies like mine are. “They account for about 0.03 percent of all neoplasms and less than 3 percent of all soft tissue tumors. The estimated incidence in the general population is two to four per million population per year, which in the United States translates into approximately 900 new cases annually.” That’s according to one medical publication.

Weirder still, they are more common in women than man, and even more common in pregnant women than anyone else.

The good news is that desmoid tumors are benign, slow-growing and generally easier to remove than other kinds of tumors. The bad news is that “they are locally aggressive and have a high rate of recurrence even after complete resection. Tumor-related destruction of vital structures and/or organs can be fatal, particularly when these tumors arise in patients with familial adenomatous polyposis (FAP, Gardner’s syndrome).” I do not have Gardner’s syndrome or anything like that, so I’m pretty optimistic about removing it. The consensus is that I will have a CAT scan about every 6 months to make sure more aren’t coming back and if they are, how they are growing.

As it stands right now, I have an appointment in late November for a consultation with the surgical department at U of M hospital. I will be checking back earlier to see if there are any earlier openings. I’m relieved and thankful and all, but the earlier we can get Man Baby aborted, the happier I’ll be.

More as it develops (or stops developing). Thanks for reading and thanks for all the kind words of encouragement and well-wished.

Image by Getty Images via Daylife

BEWARE OF SCAM AT HOME DEPOT

A “heads up” for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don’t be naive enough to think it couldn’t happen to you or your friends.

Here’s how the scam works:

Two good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your supplies into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say ‘No’ and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen March 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also April 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 10th, 13th, 16th & 22nd, three times this morning and very likely again tomorrow.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I’ve already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.

Be careful out there.